Dead Mom Walking
Just love me some Harrison Ford. When his second Indiana Jones movie came out I could not wait to see it. It was titled "Temple of Doom". The title didn't do it justice. We weren't very far into it before I completely "lost my lunch". I had never seen anything like the "Temple" scene. I wasn't a Freddy Kruger fan or anything resembling gore and horror.
For those who didn't get to see the movie ... let me elaborate. The movie centers around a sacrificial cult and to give us the "whole picture" the Director, obviously, choose to show the whole sacrifice (which would be bad enough) but this sacrifice was particularly brutal and gruesome. In the midst of the natives chanting, circling and gesturing the "head native" using only his hands rips the chest open of the poor "sacrifice", reaches in, grabs his heart and rips it out while the poor man screams and, of course, dies staring at his beating heart. It is horrific. Pretty much ruined Indy movies for me, forever.
As horrible as it was I, of course, had no idea how that actually felt.
I do now.
There are moments you will never forget. No matter how old you are, they mark your Spirit so deeply they are forever ingrained in your mind. Some are tragic, like the moment I was sitting in a boat in front of my flooding house watching my husband flip the main breaker so our house wouldn't catch fire when the water came up. From bright light to total darkness, as the water swirled and my children huddled around me in a boat. Never will I forget that.
Others are breathtakingly beautiful. Like the moment you know you are pregnant. I can remember each one. I have had five such miracles.
From the instant you know there is life coming, coming from inside of you, you are changed. Your whole thoughts circle around this little life. What you eat, what you drink, what you do, how you sleep and many more. It is constantly your focus. It is a life long commitment. It is, in most ways, pure joy. The backaches, the muscle pain, the heartburn, the tight clothes, the tight shoes, the hormone swings and the hemorrhoids are all minor nuisances in light of the overwhelming "prize" coming.
Then Labor starts, excruciating, seemingly unending, blinding, mind numbing pain. I can distinctly remember, during my oldest child's birth, thinking, "I understand how so many women died in childbirth." and my second thought was, "What a horrible way to die.". Nothing about labor feels good. Eve was given this as part of her curse, and it certainly is.
Then, the amazing release as your baby slips into this world.
The brilliant, incandescent Euphoria as you see them for the very first time. The most important person in the Universe to you for the last nine months. Your descendant. Your voice to the future. YOUR baby.
I am struggling to find words to truly articulate the Joy. I fail to find them. No Christmas day, as a child, compares. No blissful vacation day on the beach comes close. No dancing in the moonlight with a lover touches it.
It is pure bliss. The last for some time, lol.
Then you are completely engrossed with keeping this tiny human alive and well. Feeding, cleaning, washing, changing, crying and sometimes sleeping. A never ending cycle for months. Just when you finally get an ounce of control over the above they begin talking.
Oh yes, it's profoundly sweet, when little "cherub cheeks" says, "I love you" for the first time. We run for the baby book, to document this momentous day, as the tears roll. But, then they learn other words, most notably, "No!". And you learn the REAL meaning of frustration.
Give and take, bargaining and correction, distracting and bribing become common place scenarios as cherub cheeks takes their first steps and every ounce of your waking moments are consumed by keeping them safe. Car seats, safety gadgets, outlet covers, are only a few "tools of the trade". You are constantly "on guard", constantly "at bat", constantly watching to keep them safe from all harm.
Then grade school looms and cherub cheeks turns into a real human. Fun days of little league, dance recitals, camping, bonfires and cuddling during movies. Life is good. So good. Peace (generally) reigns and cherub cheeks promises to be "quite the human" surpassing all your dreams and hopes.
But, life has one last trick to play on you.
One I never saw coming.
Puberty and it's evil friend, rebellion. Like an evil snake coiled and waiting slithers in. Many children go down this bumpy road and come out unscathed on the other side. There are real reasons why they do and don't but, that's not the focus of my blog today. I want to encourage you fellow struggling parent. I want to give you some of what I've learned. I want to share some of what I wish I'd known and what I wish I 'd done.
You are walking along, living life and suddenly Cherub cheeks (with pure hatred) screams at you, "You are evil. You never showed me love, you never cared about me." Nothing you do is right. Nothing you say is right. Everything you do (seems to be) stupid and only irritates them further. They loose all interest in family and often life long friends. They are mad at the world. They are mad at themselves and they are taking it out on everyone. Self satisfaction seems to be their only motivation in their life and a once obedient child is sucked into the quicksand of selfishness. Baffling, to say the least.
The first time my cherub cheeks turned into Chucky I couldn't do anything but stare. I finally understood the "I brought you into this world, I can take you out." phrase. You have devoted your life, strength, prayers, vision, finances, sex life and many other things to making sure this child was safe and cared for and they scream these obscenities to you ... I understand why some parents snap. I Don't excuse it, of course. Please don't harm Chucky, Cherub cheeks is in there, somewhere.
As I stood there, stunned watching Chucky manifest I had a flashback. Suddenly I was in the Temple of Doom. I was strapped to the cage. I was watching my heart beat ... after it had been ripped out. I hurt. I hurt like I had never hurt. I was speechless, dumbfounded, terrified, irate, defensive, irrational, grasping and I hurt. I screamed, I cried, I was lost and in great pain. I couldn't see past the pain. I was terrified my child was destroying their life. I was a walking dead woman for many years.
My sweet baby caused herself (and I) much more pain before she began to turn around ... she is still finding her way back, completely, years later. We are both much better, though.
I was (and am) a single parent. I had no brothers, sisters, parents or grandparents to glean information from (except my Mom who did what she could). I had a few friends try to do a little bit, along the way ... few cared enough to invest themselves and be a real help. One friend, because of her own issues as a child, actually became my rebellious child's ally and caused more damage.
I was, virtually, alone. I had not ever been a rebellious child ... I was clueless. I guess it is a miracle I did as well as I did. I (truly) give all glory to God. He helped me. He gave me much insight.
First, let me tell you, you are not alone. Here is my phone number. 936-334-2756. You can call anytime. If you text me your child's first name, I promise to pray for them.
Try to find a church with a parenting group. Just having a friend will make things much easier. If you can't find one ... pray about starting one. You may be the answer someone needs and you will sow seed for your life and child.
If you have family, that supports you, lean on them. This is no time for pride.
And ... most importantly, Jesus is standing waiting for you with open arms. If it has been a while since you turned to him, that's ok. He's not mad. He just wants to love you. If you have never met Him I greatly encourage you to learn about His love. Find a bible. Read Matthew, Mark, Luke, John and the Acts of the Apostles. Read it through over and over again. Learn Who He is ... give Him your life and your problems. He will help you and will "never leave you or forsake you." Hebrews 13:5 and Deuteronomy 31:6-8
I wish I could tell you I handled my pain, and hers, well. I am not so sure. I made lots of mistakes. I was just completely lost as to what to do. In my distress, I cried unto the Lord and He heard me. Psalm 18:6
I want to share with you some of what I've learned ... I pray it helps you.
First. Chucky hates you. Cherub Cheeks loves you.
Chucky is a momentary voice. Cherub Cheeks is real.
Don't believe what they say. Do your best not to let the words sink in and "sting". Think Jekyl and Hyde. Jekyl isn't real. You may think, "Is this who they really are? Is this how they really feel about me?" NO! Even if they carry on for a while, no! No.. no...no. Your "real" child is in there. Your "real" child is the sweet adoring little love who is just currently being infested with hormonal cockroaches. As if that wasn't bad enough these nasty cockroaches have voices ... evil, insecure voices which degrade their every movement. They are truly in torment. No excuse for ugly behavior. I am NOT saying ignore their behavior, quite the opposite. They need to be held accountable, always, for what they do and say. It will actually make them feel more secure to be disciplined. That doesn't mean they will like it. But, it will give them some feelings of security.
Next, and this may be the hardest, don't react with shock, anger or horror. That is Chucky's goal. When they accuse or ask for permission to do some stupid thing (like go to a party) ... DO NOT FREAK OUT.!!!!!
If you do calm down, separate and apologize. Yes, I know you did nothing wrong (more about that in a minute). Please hang with me one more paragraph.
It's going to be so hard not to react to their words. But, this is a biggee. Stay calm. In addition to staying calm you are in new uncharted waters and need a new approach. Rebellion (or Chucky) loves to disobey. It's favorite thing is making parents (or authority) angry. It only gets "release" in doing the exact opposite of what it is told to do or knows to do. You HAVE to take that away. You have to step back and make Chucky his own "authority" ... please don't run away yet. I know that sounds completely irrational. Give me just a few more minutes of your time. Remember ... I have already traveled these "shark infested" waters .. and survived. Uno Momento, Pro Favor??
Fist thing you have to do is agree ... in some form.
Then remind them what is right and NEVER address their attacks or insults. Throw the "responsibility" to decide what is right back in there lap. Never let them put you on the defensive.
Then let them make the decision.
Let's do a little role playing ...
Child wanders in from school and flops on couch.
Mom: Hey Sweetie
Child: Uh.
Mom: How was school?
Child: Ugh
Mom: Want a snack?
Child: Ok
mumbling through full mouth (of the snack you just made)
Child: Can I go to the game tonight?
You think they say.
Mom: Who with?
Child (who we will now call Chucky): Seriously? I can not believe the third degree you always give me. You don't trust me. What have I ever done to deserve this disrespect? I can not believe you. Why don't I just stay in my room and rot!
Mom: Staying Calm (Thumbs up to you!!!)
Takes a deep breath and smiles (at Cherub Cheeks who is in there somewhere)
You are always free to go where you want, after all you're nearly an adult now. If you are taking our/my car I need to know who may be in it. If you are going to come in late you need to let me know so I won't think you are a burglar. If you don't want to fail your class, and not graduate with your friends, you may want to stay home and do homework. But, YOU MAY DO WHAT YOU THINK BEST. I do not give you "my blessing" to go, under those circumstances, but I will not stop you or punish you, if you go. And, if you want me to give you money for the game you need to do three chores, of my choosing, for being rude to me just now. Sweet smile and walk away. No matter what they say, don't respond to accusations or arguments.
For most children, this tactic repeated may be all that is necessary to permanently eliminate Chucky ... eventually.
Once the decision is up to them they don't have anything to fight. They get no "fun" out of disobeying because there is nothing to disobey.
Does this mean you have to smile and bite nails while they make some dumb choices? Yes. Once there they will not be driven by Chucky to act out though because you didn't tell them, "Don't go!" They will most likely see it is no fun and leave early. Cherub Cheeks will see "playing with Chucky" isn't the fun they thought and will quit giving him "air time".
No, you don't have to let them drive your car to some horrible party or enable their behavior in any way. Now, obviously I am not talking about letting some 12 year old go to a High School party, etc. But older kids need to experiment when they are still at home. Allowing them to make some life choices when you have the most influence, while they are living at home, is a far better situation then when they are at college or living somewhere else. At least, in your home you can encourage, discourage, try to interject and help. When they are "on their own" ... it's so much worse for them to "experiment". Unencumbered Chucky can take over and become a lifestyle.
Remember, your baby is in there somewhere. Love them when possible. But, do not let them abuse your love, finances or home. I know letting your child spread their wings where you may not want can be a hard thing to imagine but, they will soon be on their own and doing it anyway.
If you make a hard stand against something they are going to run after it full force the first chance they get and may go overboard. Giving them some "Grace" to make their own life choices means they will make those mistakes while still under your "wing" where it is safe, where help and healing are and where your influence can helo stop it, quickly.
Our kids live in a far different world than we did and God will help us parent them successfully which often means navigating the shark infested waters of rebellion ... it can be done ... if we're careful.
I am happy to say Jesus has healed my heart considerably. Some days are still hard but, I have survived. I will thrive further and so will you!
Pray for me, I am praying for you.
For those who didn't get to see the movie ... let me elaborate. The movie centers around a sacrificial cult and to give us the "whole picture" the Director, obviously, choose to show the whole sacrifice (which would be bad enough) but this sacrifice was particularly brutal and gruesome. In the midst of the natives chanting, circling and gesturing the "head native" using only his hands rips the chest open of the poor "sacrifice", reaches in, grabs his heart and rips it out while the poor man screams and, of course, dies staring at his beating heart. It is horrific. Pretty much ruined Indy movies for me, forever.
As horrible as it was I, of course, had no idea how that actually felt.
I do now.
There are moments you will never forget. No matter how old you are, they mark your Spirit so deeply they are forever ingrained in your mind. Some are tragic, like the moment I was sitting in a boat in front of my flooding house watching my husband flip the main breaker so our house wouldn't catch fire when the water came up. From bright light to total darkness, as the water swirled and my children huddled around me in a boat. Never will I forget that.
Others are breathtakingly beautiful. Like the moment you know you are pregnant. I can remember each one. I have had five such miracles.
From the instant you know there is life coming, coming from inside of you, you are changed. Your whole thoughts circle around this little life. What you eat, what you drink, what you do, how you sleep and many more. It is constantly your focus. It is a life long commitment. It is, in most ways, pure joy. The backaches, the muscle pain, the heartburn, the tight clothes, the tight shoes, the hormone swings and the hemorrhoids are all minor nuisances in light of the overwhelming "prize" coming.
Then Labor starts, excruciating, seemingly unending, blinding, mind numbing pain. I can distinctly remember, during my oldest child's birth, thinking, "I understand how so many women died in childbirth." and my second thought was, "What a horrible way to die.". Nothing about labor feels good. Eve was given this as part of her curse, and it certainly is.
Then, the amazing release as your baby slips into this world.
The brilliant, incandescent Euphoria as you see them for the very first time. The most important person in the Universe to you for the last nine months. Your descendant. Your voice to the future. YOUR baby.
I am struggling to find words to truly articulate the Joy. I fail to find them. No Christmas day, as a child, compares. No blissful vacation day on the beach comes close. No dancing in the moonlight with a lover touches it.
It is pure bliss. The last for some time, lol.
Then you are completely engrossed with keeping this tiny human alive and well. Feeding, cleaning, washing, changing, crying and sometimes sleeping. A never ending cycle for months. Just when you finally get an ounce of control over the above they begin talking.
Oh yes, it's profoundly sweet, when little "cherub cheeks" says, "I love you" for the first time. We run for the baby book, to document this momentous day, as the tears roll. But, then they learn other words, most notably, "No!". And you learn the REAL meaning of frustration.
Give and take, bargaining and correction, distracting and bribing become common place scenarios as cherub cheeks takes their first steps and every ounce of your waking moments are consumed by keeping them safe. Car seats, safety gadgets, outlet covers, are only a few "tools of the trade". You are constantly "on guard", constantly "at bat", constantly watching to keep them safe from all harm.
Then grade school looms and cherub cheeks turns into a real human. Fun days of little league, dance recitals, camping, bonfires and cuddling during movies. Life is good. So good. Peace (generally) reigns and cherub cheeks promises to be "quite the human" surpassing all your dreams and hopes.
But, life has one last trick to play on you.
One I never saw coming.
Puberty and it's evil friend, rebellion. Like an evil snake coiled and waiting slithers in. Many children go down this bumpy road and come out unscathed on the other side. There are real reasons why they do and don't but, that's not the focus of my blog today. I want to encourage you fellow struggling parent. I want to give you some of what I've learned. I want to share some of what I wish I'd known and what I wish I 'd done.
You are walking along, living life and suddenly Cherub cheeks (with pure hatred) screams at you, "You are evil. You never showed me love, you never cared about me." Nothing you do is right. Nothing you say is right. Everything you do (seems to be) stupid and only irritates them further. They loose all interest in family and often life long friends. They are mad at the world. They are mad at themselves and they are taking it out on everyone. Self satisfaction seems to be their only motivation in their life and a once obedient child is sucked into the quicksand of selfishness. Baffling, to say the least.
The first time my cherub cheeks turned into Chucky I couldn't do anything but stare. I finally understood the "I brought you into this world, I can take you out." phrase. You have devoted your life, strength, prayers, vision, finances, sex life and many other things to making sure this child was safe and cared for and they scream these obscenities to you ... I understand why some parents snap. I Don't excuse it, of course. Please don't harm Chucky, Cherub cheeks is in there, somewhere.
As I stood there, stunned watching Chucky manifest I had a flashback. Suddenly I was in the Temple of Doom. I was strapped to the cage. I was watching my heart beat ... after it had been ripped out. I hurt. I hurt like I had never hurt. I was speechless, dumbfounded, terrified, irate, defensive, irrational, grasping and I hurt. I screamed, I cried, I was lost and in great pain. I couldn't see past the pain. I was terrified my child was destroying their life. I was a walking dead woman for many years.
My sweet baby caused herself (and I) much more pain before she began to turn around ... she is still finding her way back, completely, years later. We are both much better, though.
I was (and am) a single parent. I had no brothers, sisters, parents or grandparents to glean information from (except my Mom who did what she could). I had a few friends try to do a little bit, along the way ... few cared enough to invest themselves and be a real help. One friend, because of her own issues as a child, actually became my rebellious child's ally and caused more damage.
I was, virtually, alone. I had not ever been a rebellious child ... I was clueless. I guess it is a miracle I did as well as I did. I (truly) give all glory to God. He helped me. He gave me much insight.
First, let me tell you, you are not alone. Here is my phone number. 936-334-2756. You can call anytime. If you text me your child's first name, I promise to pray for them.
Try to find a church with a parenting group. Just having a friend will make things much easier. If you can't find one ... pray about starting one. You may be the answer someone needs and you will sow seed for your life and child.
If you have family, that supports you, lean on them. This is no time for pride.
And ... most importantly, Jesus is standing waiting for you with open arms. If it has been a while since you turned to him, that's ok. He's not mad. He just wants to love you. If you have never met Him I greatly encourage you to learn about His love. Find a bible. Read Matthew, Mark, Luke, John and the Acts of the Apostles. Read it through over and over again. Learn Who He is ... give Him your life and your problems. He will help you and will "never leave you or forsake you." Hebrews 13:5 and Deuteronomy 31:6-8
I wish I could tell you I handled my pain, and hers, well. I am not so sure. I made lots of mistakes. I was just completely lost as to what to do. In my distress, I cried unto the Lord and He heard me. Psalm 18:6I want to share with you some of what I've learned ... I pray it helps you.
First. Chucky hates you. Cherub Cheeks loves you.
Chucky is a momentary voice. Cherub Cheeks is real.
Don't believe what they say. Do your best not to let the words sink in and "sting". Think Jekyl and Hyde. Jekyl isn't real. You may think, "Is this who they really are? Is this how they really feel about me?" NO! Even if they carry on for a while, no! No.. no...no. Your "real" child is in there. Your "real" child is the sweet adoring little love who is just currently being infested with hormonal cockroaches. As if that wasn't bad enough these nasty cockroaches have voices ... evil, insecure voices which degrade their every movement. They are truly in torment. No excuse for ugly behavior. I am NOT saying ignore their behavior, quite the opposite. They need to be held accountable, always, for what they do and say. It will actually make them feel more secure to be disciplined. That doesn't mean they will like it. But, it will give them some feelings of security.
Next, and this may be the hardest, don't react with shock, anger or horror. That is Chucky's goal. When they accuse or ask for permission to do some stupid thing (like go to a party) ... DO NOT FREAK OUT.!!!!!
If you do calm down, separate and apologize. Yes, I know you did nothing wrong (more about that in a minute). Please hang with me one more paragraph.
It's going to be so hard not to react to their words. But, this is a biggee. Stay calm. In addition to staying calm you are in new uncharted waters and need a new approach. Rebellion (or Chucky) loves to disobey. It's favorite thing is making parents (or authority) angry. It only gets "release" in doing the exact opposite of what it is told to do or knows to do. You HAVE to take that away. You have to step back and make Chucky his own "authority" ... please don't run away yet. I know that sounds completely irrational. Give me just a few more minutes of your time. Remember ... I have already traveled these "shark infested" waters .. and survived. Uno Momento, Pro Favor??
Fist thing you have to do is agree ... in some form.
Then remind them what is right and NEVER address their attacks or insults. Throw the "responsibility" to decide what is right back in there lap. Never let them put you on the defensive.
Then let them make the decision.
Let's do a little role playing ...
Child wanders in from school and flops on couch.
Mom: Hey Sweetie
Child: Uh.
Mom: How was school?
Child: Ugh
Mom: Want a snack?
Child: Ok
mumbling through full mouth (of the snack you just made)
Child: Can I go to the game tonight?
You think they say.
Mom: Who with?
Child (who we will now call Chucky): Seriously? I can not believe the third degree you always give me. You don't trust me. What have I ever done to deserve this disrespect? I can not believe you. Why don't I just stay in my room and rot!
Mom: Staying Calm (Thumbs up to you!!!)
Takes a deep breath and smiles (at Cherub Cheeks who is in there somewhere)
You are always free to go where you want, after all you're nearly an adult now. If you are taking our/my car I need to know who may be in it. If you are going to come in late you need to let me know so I won't think you are a burglar. If you don't want to fail your class, and not graduate with your friends, you may want to stay home and do homework. But, YOU MAY DO WHAT YOU THINK BEST. I do not give you "my blessing" to go, under those circumstances, but I will not stop you or punish you, if you go. And, if you want me to give you money for the game you need to do three chores, of my choosing, for being rude to me just now. Sweet smile and walk away. No matter what they say, don't respond to accusations or arguments.
For most children, this tactic repeated may be all that is necessary to permanently eliminate Chucky ... eventually.
Once the decision is up to them they don't have anything to fight. They get no "fun" out of disobeying because there is nothing to disobey.
Does this mean you have to smile and bite nails while they make some dumb choices? Yes. Once there they will not be driven by Chucky to act out though because you didn't tell them, "Don't go!" They will most likely see it is no fun and leave early. Cherub Cheeks will see "playing with Chucky" isn't the fun they thought and will quit giving him "air time".
No, you don't have to let them drive your car to some horrible party or enable their behavior in any way. Now, obviously I am not talking about letting some 12 year old go to a High School party, etc. But older kids need to experiment when they are still at home. Allowing them to make some life choices when you have the most influence, while they are living at home, is a far better situation then when they are at college or living somewhere else. At least, in your home you can encourage, discourage, try to interject and help. When they are "on their own" ... it's so much worse for them to "experiment". Unencumbered Chucky can take over and become a lifestyle.
Remember, your baby is in there somewhere. Love them when possible. But, do not let them abuse your love, finances or home. I know letting your child spread their wings where you may not want can be a hard thing to imagine but, they will soon be on their own and doing it anyway.
If you make a hard stand against something they are going to run after it full force the first chance they get and may go overboard. Giving them some "Grace" to make their own life choices means they will make those mistakes while still under your "wing" where it is safe, where help and healing are and where your influence can helo stop it, quickly.
Our kids live in a far different world than we did and God will help us parent them successfully which often means navigating the shark infested waters of rebellion ... it can be done ... if we're careful.
I am happy to say Jesus has healed my heart considerably. Some days are still hard but, I have survived. I will thrive further and so will you!
Pray for me, I am praying for you.
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