Loving Jezebel, dealing with Narcicissim in intimate relationships. #2 Expectation of Reciprocation
The "afterglow of forgiveness". Often we open our hearts back up to the same person who hurt us thinking that is forgiveness. NO. Forgiveness is forgiveness and has little to do with them. Relationships cannot be restored without the offender making an effort and restoring your trust.
To forgive means to release. You release you and, you release them. Matthew 18:32
It does not mean allow them in your home, necessarily.
It does not mean carry on a conversation with them, necessarily.
It does not mean go shopping with them, necessarily.
It does not mean any spend time with them, necessarily.
It does not mean trust them with your heart, thoughts or attention, necessarily.
God will encourage us, as part of the healing process to reach out to those who have offended us, we must use caution. Extreme caution.
Loving a Narcissist means you are constantly yearning for their love. You are constantly seeking their affection. When you have conflict with a Narcissist it is never their fault. It is never their responsibility to make amends. It is never their goal to restore. In their eyes, you are the problem; you need to seek their forgiveness; you need to make amends; you need to come to them. Always.
Let me interject, they have enough social skills to know, once in a while, they need to feign repentance. Especially if you remind them, "You never say you're sorry." but, we all know what real, heartfelt apologies look like and feel like. You need to use wisdom when dealing with a Narcissist in every situation. If them "mimic" an apology, take it for what it is. A surface level "bone" thrown to you in a patronizing manner. Do not run to them, hugs and smiles, as if all has been restored. You will be hurt, again.
We, who yearn for this restoration and love, will often place ourselves back in the relationship as if nothing happened, because we desperately love (and miss) these people. It is like walking into a snake pit. You will be bit, again. They can not help themselves.
We long for their smiles, hugs and attention. We yearn to be whole again, with them. We need their love. We know if we just "forgive and forget" (because they keep reminding us that's what Christians are supposed to do) we will get all that. We hope (against hope) it will last, this time. We, unhealthly, feel this time will be different. We tell ourselves. "Things are so good, when they're good. They've changed." None of which is real. It is as unreal as Cinderella's carriage. Midnight will come.
A Narcissist has a goal, for everything. If you are necessary to the goal, you will be needed. When you are not, you are not.
It is your responsibility to protect your heart. It is wise. It is healthy. It is Christlike. Jesus loved everyone. He didn't tolerate everything, Luke 4:30. Big difference. If you are unclear on that ... spend some time reading the Gospels in the New Testament Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
It's not easy but it is simple.
Expect Reciprocation.
If they call you, call them.
If they write you, write them.
If they say hello to you, say hello to them.
Narcissist have varying degrees, like thieves or drug addicts. Some are rather mild, in comparison, some are completely given over to it. If the person you love is more "mild" this may bring a great deal of balance (and healing) to your relationship but, you need to use caution. Do not let your guard down. Six months down the road if you realize you are (once again) being used or doing the "Lion's" share of the work in the relationship. Regroup and back off.
Narcissism is all about worship (more on that later) but, for now know ... they can not stand to be ignored. They are very child like in their emotional growth and they will "catch on" quick if you show them you expect them to make an effort and will reciprocate, if they want a relationship.
And, that is truly the key. Do they want a relationship? If they don't, sweetie, you are truly wasting your time and need to seek God about His will for you in the situation. He can heal anything. I truly know. He will not violate their will, I so know! He has given us hope and healing, even in these difficult circumstances, and I hope to find more knowledge but .... do not allow yourself to be abused emotionally or mentally.
Resist the urge to "run back" to force a false restoration.
Expect, wait for and demand reciprocation in the relationship.
Wait for them to make the first move.
Restoration is a two way street, always.
If you are compelled to run back. You are in need of deeper healing. You are their enabler. You are destructive to your own self worth and needs. Jesus has the hope and healing for you. Meditate on John 3:16, as if Jesus is sitting and speaking to you alone. Watch "The Passion" with the thought, He did that just for me. Find a loving Pastor and a church with a strong presence of the Holy Spirit ... as a start. Do not run back to your Narcissist ... you will be hurt, again.
Narcissist will often make you feel as if it is your responsibility to "save" them. It is not. It is Jesus'. Point them to Jesus through church, counseling or prayer. If they truly want healing they will follow through. If they ignore your suggestions, they are "playing" you.
Deep breath .... do something good for YOU today ... and do not call your Narcissist,
unless they just called you and,
no,
phone calls where they ask for you to do something
for them don't count.
lol
Pray for me, I'll pray for you .
To forgive means to release. You release you and, you release them. Matthew 18:32
It does not mean allow them in your home, necessarily.
It does not mean carry on a conversation with them, necessarily.
It does not mean go shopping with them, necessarily.
It does not mean any spend time with them, necessarily.
It does not mean trust them with your heart, thoughts or attention, necessarily.
God will encourage us, as part of the healing process to reach out to those who have offended us, we must use caution. Extreme caution.
Loving a Narcissist means you are constantly yearning for their love. You are constantly seeking their affection. When you have conflict with a Narcissist it is never their fault. It is never their responsibility to make amends. It is never their goal to restore. In their eyes, you are the problem; you need to seek their forgiveness; you need to make amends; you need to come to them. Always.
Let me interject, they have enough social skills to know, once in a while, they need to feign repentance. Especially if you remind them, "You never say you're sorry." but, we all know what real, heartfelt apologies look like and feel like. You need to use wisdom when dealing with a Narcissist in every situation. If them "mimic" an apology, take it for what it is. A surface level "bone" thrown to you in a patronizing manner. Do not run to them, hugs and smiles, as if all has been restored. You will be hurt, again.
We, who yearn for this restoration and love, will often place ourselves back in the relationship as if nothing happened, because we desperately love (and miss) these people. It is like walking into a snake pit. You will be bit, again. They can not help themselves.
We long for their smiles, hugs and attention. We yearn to be whole again, with them. We need their love. We know if we just "forgive and forget" (because they keep reminding us that's what Christians are supposed to do) we will get all that. We hope (against hope) it will last, this time. We, unhealthly, feel this time will be different. We tell ourselves. "Things are so good, when they're good. They've changed." None of which is real. It is as unreal as Cinderella's carriage. Midnight will come.
A Narcissist has a goal, for everything. If you are necessary to the goal, you will be needed. When you are not, you are not.
It is your responsibility to protect your heart. It is wise. It is healthy. It is Christlike. Jesus loved everyone. He didn't tolerate everything, Luke 4:30. Big difference. If you are unclear on that ... spend some time reading the Gospels in the New Testament Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
It's not easy but it is simple.
Expect Reciprocation.
If they call you, call them.
If they write you, write them.
If they say hello to you, say hello to them.
Narcissist have varying degrees, like thieves or drug addicts. Some are rather mild, in comparison, some are completely given over to it. If the person you love is more "mild" this may bring a great deal of balance (and healing) to your relationship but, you need to use caution. Do not let your guard down. Six months down the road if you realize you are (once again) being used or doing the "Lion's" share of the work in the relationship. Regroup and back off.
Narcissism is all about worship (more on that later) but, for now know ... they can not stand to be ignored. They are very child like in their emotional growth and they will "catch on" quick if you show them you expect them to make an effort and will reciprocate, if they want a relationship.
And, that is truly the key. Do they want a relationship? If they don't, sweetie, you are truly wasting your time and need to seek God about His will for you in the situation. He can heal anything. I truly know. He will not violate their will, I so know! He has given us hope and healing, even in these difficult circumstances, and I hope to find more knowledge but .... do not allow yourself to be abused emotionally or mentally.
Resist the urge to "run back" to force a false restoration.
Expect, wait for and demand reciprocation in the relationship.
Wait for them to make the first move.
Restoration is a two way street, always.
If you are compelled to run back. You are in need of deeper healing. You are their enabler. You are destructive to your own self worth and needs. Jesus has the hope and healing for you. Meditate on John 3:16, as if Jesus is sitting and speaking to you alone. Watch "The Passion" with the thought, He did that just for me. Find a loving Pastor and a church with a strong presence of the Holy Spirit ... as a start. Do not run back to your Narcissist ... you will be hurt, again.
Narcissist will often make you feel as if it is your responsibility to "save" them. It is not. It is Jesus'. Point them to Jesus through church, counseling or prayer. If they truly want healing they will follow through. If they ignore your suggestions, they are "playing" you.
Deep breath .... do something good for YOU today ... and do not call your Narcissist,
unless they just called you and,
no,
phone calls where they ask for you to do something
for them don't count.
lol
Pray for me, I'll pray for you .
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