Loving Jezebel, dealing with Narcicissim in intimate relationships. #3 Good Job!
I am going to (seem to) contradict everything I said in post #2, bear with me.
I want to remind you, despite their (basic) adult behaviors the Narcissist is a very young, wounded child, emotionally.
Their emotional development got off track very early in life and their coping mechanism was to become completely focused on self. Their every thought, issue and action is directed at self. Self preservation, self appreciation, self approval.
They simply can not function any other way.
This is important to understand, to protect your heart. For YOUR healing and for theirs.
This is not meant to say excuse them or allow them into your life No!
Having a relationship with a Narcicisst is navigating a minefield, at best. With God ... carefully ... you can do it. And, I believe, with His help we can offer them help and healing. I am still not sure exactly how but, I am beginning to see a dim light at the end of the tunnel.
So ... having posted my disclaimer .. here's my third "thought" on the subject.
If you have come to this place you have (at least) embraced the idea of forgiveness, you have established some boundaries by expecting them to reciprocate your love and giving. You call them, when they call you. You give them a (spontaneous) gift, when they give you one. You do not rush in with 10 presents on Christmas Day hoping to (at least) get a smile or nod of approval.
You are (hopefully) taking a breath knowing you are important and worth being loved and valued. You are giving yourself permission to relax. Invest in those who invest in you. If you have been so beat down by your beloved Narcissist you have no other healthy relationships, I understand, go make some.
But, as previously mentioned, it's time to dive back in. lol
Hopefully, your beloved Narcissist will reciprocate. Validate it! Show great pleasure. As with a small child overemphasize your pleasure, briefly. Reinforce the good behavior. They are very childlike emotionally. They will need to be shown and taught how to behave in a healthy relationship. I am not saying dwell on it for days ... or even minutes ... let the Holy Spirit lead you. Sometimes simply saying, "How sweet. That was kind of you." with a dazzling smile and soft hug is the most effective.
You have an idea what appropriate gratitude looks like. Don't go overboard that will actually feed their narcissistic illness. They view it as a type of worship.
But, acknowledging their attempts, efforts or appropriate behavior is crucial.
Acknowledging and honoring them when appropriate is crucial.
See what I mean by minefield, lol.
However ... there are times to reach out to your beloved Narcicisst. They have birthdays, Mother's Days, Anniversaries ... etc. Do so in the love of God. Do so to honor your Heavenly Father not based on their behavior or emotional giving.
As the opportunity arises, at these times, gently remind them you expect the same behavior ... if the opportunity arises. If it doesn't trust God that they are not ready for that reminder and don't force it. Enjoy your time with them, quietly.
Make your time with them short and sweet. The wounded heart to love in you will want to shower them with gifts, love and attention. That will, probably, end in you being hurt. Short and sweet. Sincere and short lived. Give, and get away. Have I made my point yet? Narcissist don't really "get" giving. They need to be taught. Show them Jesus loves them. Show them you love them. Show them you can give without ulterior motives or expecting something back.
It can be done. Not in our strength but in His.
Pray for me, I'll pray for you.
Phillipians 4:13
John 16:13
I want to remind you, despite their (basic) adult behaviors the Narcissist is a very young, wounded child, emotionally.Their emotional development got off track very early in life and their coping mechanism was to become completely focused on self. Their every thought, issue and action is directed at self. Self preservation, self appreciation, self approval.
They simply can not function any other way.
This is important to understand, to protect your heart. For YOUR healing and for theirs.
This is not meant to say excuse them or allow them into your life No!
Having a relationship with a Narcicisst is navigating a minefield, at best. With God ... carefully ... you can do it. And, I believe, with His help we can offer them help and healing. I am still not sure exactly how but, I am beginning to see a dim light at the end of the tunnel.
So ... having posted my disclaimer .. here's my third "thought" on the subject.
If you have come to this place you have (at least) embraced the idea of forgiveness, you have established some boundaries by expecting them to reciprocate your love and giving. You call them, when they call you. You give them a (spontaneous) gift, when they give you one. You do not rush in with 10 presents on Christmas Day hoping to (at least) get a smile or nod of approval.
You are (hopefully) taking a breath knowing you are important and worth being loved and valued. You are giving yourself permission to relax. Invest in those who invest in you. If you have been so beat down by your beloved Narcissist you have no other healthy relationships, I understand, go make some.
But, as previously mentioned, it's time to dive back in. lol
Hopefully, your beloved Narcissist will reciprocate. Validate it! Show great pleasure. As with a small child overemphasize your pleasure, briefly. Reinforce the good behavior. They are very childlike emotionally. They will need to be shown and taught how to behave in a healthy relationship. I am not saying dwell on it for days ... or even minutes ... let the Holy Spirit lead you. Sometimes simply saying, "How sweet. That was kind of you." with a dazzling smile and soft hug is the most effective.
You have an idea what appropriate gratitude looks like. Don't go overboard that will actually feed their narcissistic illness. They view it as a type of worship.
But, acknowledging their attempts, efforts or appropriate behavior is crucial.
Acknowledging and honoring them when appropriate is crucial.
See what I mean by minefield, lol.
However ... there are times to reach out to your beloved Narcicisst. They have birthdays, Mother's Days, Anniversaries ... etc. Do so in the love of God. Do so to honor your Heavenly Father not based on their behavior or emotional giving.
As the opportunity arises, at these times, gently remind them you expect the same behavior ... if the opportunity arises. If it doesn't trust God that they are not ready for that reminder and don't force it. Enjoy your time with them, quietly.
Make your time with them short and sweet. The wounded heart to love in you will want to shower them with gifts, love and attention. That will, probably, end in you being hurt. Short and sweet. Sincere and short lived. Give, and get away. Have I made my point yet? Narcissist don't really "get" giving. They need to be taught. Show them Jesus loves them. Show them you love them. Show them you can give without ulterior motives or expecting something back.
It can be done. Not in our strength but in His.
Pray for me, I'll pray for you.
Phillipians 4:13
John 16:13
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