Loving Jezebel, dealing with Narcicissim in intimate relationships. #1 Forgiving

The first thing I want to say to you, reading this is ... "I am so sorry."  If you love or have ever loved a Narcissistic person, you have been hurt ... badly.   Sadly, I know very well.  I am hurting too.  You have been given promises that were broken and you are in pain.  I am so sorry and I am so glad you and I have help and hope. 

In some ways, you may hurt all your life.  Seeing the scenario on TV you were denied.   Wishing the one you loved had given you  the love you (truly did) deserve.  You will spend your life wondering if they are going to "come to" and become ... simply .... a loving person.  I don't know.  If the Narcicisst you love is dead, then you have your answer.  Truly tragic to see people live and die in so much confusion and darkness that they refuse the love offered them "hand over fist" but, the Narcissist does.  He / She rejects and rebuffs each and every opportunity to open their heart to love.  They shut that door a long time ago.  There is still healing and hope for YOU, though, and if they are living (I have to believe) them also.  We just have to find, it in the Word of God. 

I have researched and can find very little that encourages or answers the question, Can God heal a Narcicisst, .  I don't have that answer for you but, I promise the Word of God does.  As I begin this process I will give you the hope and healing I find and pray you find it too.

I already know forgiving is an important (and initial step) of this process but, it's not easy.  It's not quick and it's (often) not overnight.  Forgiveness is a path through our heart, and often, through the pain.  We take the first step.   God takes (or leads us through) the rest.  All you have to be willing to do, now, is want to forgive. 

Even unspiritual people see the value of forgiveness.  No one wants to live in the bitterness and anger that accompanies unforgiveness.   Unforgiveness never lets the offender "off the hook".  Exactly the opposite, it gets you off the hook. 

Matthew 18 of the New Testament portion of the Bible has some very interesting stories in it.  Jesus was so kind to teach us in stories, things we could relate to.  The first one is about restoration.  verse 15 says to, "Go to your brother.  If he listens, you have restored the relationship."  Most issues between us humans are simply a matter of miscommunication.  

This, of course, is rarely the case when you love a Narcicisst.  They understand, all too well, and don't care.  But, it is a starting point with them.  It shows them, that you value the relationship and want to make a start.  If they reciprocate, it is probably for show or manipulation but, that is God's matter ... not yours.  Focus on  you.  Focus on your behavior ... your heart.  During this initial meeting/step I strongly urge you to say little.  Listen, agree when you can and if their dialog turns abusive (insulting, disrespectful) simply smile, say "I  am sorry you feel that way." and leave.  Do not allow yourself to be abused, in any measure.  You may find yourself trapped in a situation you can not leave (they are blocking the exit, for instance).  Stay calm and wait for God to intervene.  He can and He will, if you ask Him and trust Him too.   If your situation has deteriorated to the point you are concerned for you mental or physical safety in their presence then write or call but, please don't skip this step. 

The next passage of scripture, interestingly enough, on the heels of this story is about a wicked servant (verse 32) who refuses to forgive.  It is an amazing story and I wish I could go into greater depth but, this is a blog not a book.  In today's currency the wicked servant was forgiven millions and refused to forgive a few dollars. 

We can easily forgive when we realize all God has forgiven us of.  I know, you probably, haven't done the deplorable acts we often think of when we say the word "wicked" like raping, murdering, child abuse.  However, you did sin.  You placed Jesus on the cross.  That is a hard fact but, that's the facts!  Sin can not stand in God's presence.  We were forever banished from our Creator.  Not His choice.  Jesus, in His great love, said "Let me go.  Let me bridge the gap.".  God allowed His spotless, sinless son to be placed in young Mary's body to become human, grow, preach, heal, love and be tortured and die ... for us.  We are the reason, as David Meece sings, He gave His life. 

God simply (in this portion of scripture, Chapter 18 starting in verse 23) asks we forgive the debt we owe.  Our pain and suffering is a big deal to him because it hurts us, but it is a small thing compared to what we have been given and forgiven.  It's a hard thing.  I know.  I am struggling, too.  It's still truth.  It's still the right thing to do and it's still the path to healing.  Remember, we only have to take the first step.  We only have to want to.  To be willing to say, "Lord, I want to forgive.  Help me forgive them.".  That's all.  When you have done that, you have done the hard part.  The rest is up to God.  He will take it from there an He will lead you and finish the work. 

Loving a Narcicisst is a hard thing.  It is an impossible situation except for one promise, "... with Man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."  Matthew 19:26

Tomorrow I want to talk about the "afterglow of forgiveness".  Often we open our hearts back up to the same person who hurt us thinking that is forgiveness.  NO. Forgiveness if forgiveness and has little to do with them.  Relationships cannot be restored without the offender making an effort and restoring your trust.

Pray for me, I'll pray for you .